What Do Healthy Relationships Look Like?

We all tend to pair up with people who view the world the way we do; not that they have the same politics or taste in food, but they have the same ideas about what relationships look like and how partners treat each other.

Our parents or other caregivers model relationships for us. Sometimes they’re good models that will work well for us all our lives. But sometimes they're not. And when they're not, we still tend to pair up with people who have the same ideas about relationships. So then we get stuck making the same unhealthy connections our parents did, again and again, and wondering why we’re never happy. How we conduct ourselves in a relationship becomes habit, good or bad. So what can we do about it?

We need to learn what healthy relationships look like so we can stop repeating those negative patterns that lead to conflict and unhappiness. Of course, different types of connections work for different types of people, but in general...

Partners in a healthy relationship know who they are, they feel good about themselves, they are secure individuals and are ready to make some level of commitment.

Healthy relationships are not rooted in fantasy. Both partners have realistic expectations about how much happiness should come from the relationship. They know that in all relationships there are days when things will feel incredibly exciting and days when the relationship will feel ordinary; it’s not all or nothing, it's not all intoxicating romance and it's not all unbearable pain. Healthy relationships are a healthy mix of those two extremes.

Compatibility and ease in a relationship come from being alike or having a high tolerance of differences. Healthy couples are sexually compatible, meaning they have similar preferences and ideas about what makes for good sex. And they are comfortable communicating about sex.

They also have similar values about things like money, religion, monogamy, and parenting—although these certainly do not have to be identical. When it comes to family, the traditions and rituals of each partner’s family must be renegotiated—so both partners need to be flexible enough to do that—and the couple will create some of their own rituals and traditions.

Both people depend on each other. That dependence makes the other person feel safe, and nurtures their resourcefulness and resilience. Because both partners are dependable, both feel more fearless and more self-sufficient. They celebrate that strength and independence in each other.

Healthy couples spend quality time together and quality time apart. They share some interests, but they do not share every moment. They have fun with each other and they have fun without each other. They have personal boundaries that the other partner respects. There is patience and tolerance, there is give and take.

Each partner is able to ask for what they want. They say what they mean, directly but with sensitivity. It is this kind of honesty that engenders trust. This is an area that many couples need to improve upon.

Sound too good to be true? In even the best relationships couples have their ups and downs. They disagree, they argue, sometimes even fight with raised voices. But there is a basic willingness to negotiate and compromise, to face problems together without overreacting, and to make sacrifices now and then.

When they fight, healthy couples fight fair, expressing their opinions without attacking the other person. They do not dish out or tolerate abuse. They listen as well as talk. They are role models for each other, rather than nags. They are even role models for those around them, especially children. At the end of a fight, something has been understood and something has been resolved.

If this resonates with you, then eventually you will find such a relationship. If you are currently in a relationship that does not seem healthy, it might be time to take steps to get it healthy. Healthy relationships are definitely worth waiting for or working for. If it sounds a little crazy, think again about what you’ve been pursuing, who you learned it from, and whether that’s really your path to happiness.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps people find the love of their lives. Take her quiz to find out if you’re a love addict or sign up for a 30-minute strategy session. She is also the author of “The Marriage and Relationship Junkie: Kicking your Obsession.” Sherry maintains a private practice and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit www.sherrygaba.com.