Overcoming Narcissism: Five Strategies to Increase Empathy

The public spotlight has focused lately on narcissism. Myriad podcasts, videos, and articles advise you on dealing with a narcissist, avoiding being around one, and either improving or ending your relationship with one.  

The press routinely describes politicians as narcissists. Armchair psychologists issue their diagnoses of narcissistic personality disorder whenever someone seems arrogant. In truth, narcissism is a clinical diagnosis. Reaching for professional help is a crucial step, but there are other important, useful steps someone with narcissistic tendencies can take – like learning empathy.

Conventional wisdom says narcissists can’t change – they’re too defensive and they deny they even have a problem. From their perspective, everyone else is the problem, so they have no reason to work on themselves or try to change, right?

While it’s true that severe narcissists, especially those diagnosed as malevolent or sociopathic, are unlikely to change, narcissism isn’t one size fits all.

You – or someone in your life – may be on a different spectrum of mild or moderate narcissists that includes many ordinary folk with relatively milder selfish traits and empathy deficits. People at this level can indeed shift away from self-centered behavior and learn to be more empathetic.

Many narcissistic-type people may lose a job or an important relationship as a result of their personality issues. With such repercussions, mild or moderate narcissists often are highly motivated to work on themselves.

And that’s good: Of all of the factors that can influence the probability of real change, motivation is probably the most important. Remember the old joke? How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on how much the light bulb wants to change.

If you want to change, you can. Empathy – a key to overcoming narcissism – is crucial to that transition. That makes “empathy training” an important tool that can enable those with narcissistic personalities to improve their relationship skills, their relationships and their lives.

Take these steps to enhance your ability to empathize:

1. Step outside of yourself: Push yourself to look past your feelings or viewpoint. Try to understand other people’s perspectives. See if you can understand why they feel the way they do.
2. Try to empathize with their pain: Imagine what it would be like if you experienced what they have gone through.
3. Actively listen when people speak to you: Make eye contact. Use nonverbal signals – nodding, listening intently – to show you care. Reflecting back what you’ve heard and validating what the other person says also can help.
4. Put yourself in other people’s place: When you watch the news about terrible situations imagine what it must be like for the survivors to have lost their homes, their loved ones, or their livelihood. Put yourself in their shoes: What is it like to be displaced to public shelters, to have nothing left?
5. Practice altruism: Actively help someone in need, perhaps by volunteering for an organization that enables you to make a difference in someone else’s life.

As you work on these strategies, you will see that change is definitely possible. You just need to muster the empathetic tools to transition out of narcissistic personality traits: honest self-reflection, hard work, and new behaviors.

Don’t buy the false narrative that narcissists are stuck. Improvement is possible if you want it badly enough to roll up your sleeves and get to work. If you are sufficiently motivated, you can change. Start with empathy.

Dr. Norman Goldwasser is a psychologist practicing in Miami Beach. With more than 30 years of experience, he specializes in treating trauma, narcissism, and family relationships. An expert in the use of EMDR, he is also the author of “Breaking the Mirror – Overcoming Narcissism: How to Conquer Self-Centeredness and Achieve Successful Relationships” and the upcoming “The Changeability Quotient: How Changeable Are You… and How Can You Improve Your Ability to Change?” For more information visit www.normangoldwasserphd.com.