Women Who Confidently Say “No”: Listen to Internal Alarms and Clearly Establish Boundaries

“You are so beautiful,” Ned said while caressing my hand. He was the head of staff where I was doing a professional internship.

What?! My heart rate accelerated while internal alarms rang loudly. The classroom’s colorful posters and empty chairs faded into the background as the meeting jumped into unknown territory. I quickly pulled my hand away while sliding my chair back.

My mind was screaming “no,” but my throat tightened, and I remained silent. As soon as he finished talking, I dashed from the room. Without stopping to grab my coat, I ran home to my husband and infant son thinking - Never be alone with him in a room again.

I know now that was sexual harassment. At the time little was said about harassment, and I was too afraid to say anything. I felt powerless and violated, but cautiously continued working until my training was done. Not long after I left, Ned was fired and charged with sexual harassment regarding behaviors with several women. Someone else said, “No more.”  

Saying “no” with confidence and clarity is an important tool for protecting ourselves and others. Power dynamics make interactions more complicated, but do not mean we should give up our own power to promote safety and wellbeing. We know establishing boundaries is important, yet may also find doing so difficult. Some simple strategies can help you prepare to say “no.”

1. Pay attention to internal alarms. Discomfort or warning thoughts often indicate when a moral boundary is crossed. Someone has done or said something that violates what we consider acceptable. It is too easy to ignore internal alarms with excuses such as “what if I’m overreacting?” or “maybe I just misinterpreted." Be aware of how your body responds to threats and include the warnings in your mental processing. If you feel that you are in imminent danger, take action to promote your own safety.   

2. Recognize a need for limits to build healthy relationships. Limits designate what we are and are not responsible for. They apply to every aspect of life and promote healthy, safe functioning. When we understand the need for limits, we can more readily shake off the misconception that refusing a request is rude. Being able to clearly say “no” is important for carrying out our responsibility to promote self-care. 

3. Practice saying “no” in a variety of ways. Watch your body language in a mirror or ask a trusted person to give feedback. Use fewer words and stronger tone of voice when there is urgency. When Ned acted inappropriately, I’m sure my body language said, “no.” I wish I had the courage to say “no.” A statement such as “I’m not okay with this” would have emphasized my desire to be treated differently.

In less threatening situations, we can artfully say “no.” Consider what you will do. This doesn’t mean avoiding an issue, but responding in a way that may have fewer repercussions. When Ned asked to meet again, I replied “I will only meet when other staff are present.” Mentally practice responding with calm and confidence. Mental rehearsal helps us respond in desired ways even when it is hard. 

4. Know and use resources. Make a list of people or services that can provide support. People who care about you, professionals, reliable information sources are just a few resources we can turn to. I didn’t tell any colleagues what Ned had done because I felt too ashamed. Years later I shared my experience and felt a weight lifted from my soul. We promote wellbeing when we give ourselves permission to use resources and talk about hard experiences. 

Saying “no” is one way we can “yes” to our own wellbeing. Listen to internal alarms, recognize the importance of healthy boundaries, and clearly communicate your health is important. When it is hard to remember this, turn to trusted people who can remind you… you matter.   

This article contains excerpts from Resilient and Sustainable Caring published by Whole Person Associates.

Karen Schuder, EdD, MDiv, MAM, speaker and best-selling author, has extensive experience promoting resilience and role sustainability. Years of helping people during traumatic times, leading organizations, and working globally inform her work with people in personal and professional helping roles. Karen offers life-changing concepts and practical strategies with an enjoyable, interactive approach. Check out Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others. Learn more about how to foster a purpose driven culture characterized by resilience, positivity, and decreased anxiety at www.karenschuder.com.