Feel connected

I ended up on this cite from the didi hirsch site. When I was about 27 or 28 (about 20 years ago) I first arrived to California in a very bad state of mind. From a hospital I went to the old execlsior house in Inglewood. I want to thank all those hospital and mental health givers who helped me. I was able to get back on my feet little by little after suffering from siezure epileptus before coming to the excelsior house. I have been treated for various diagnosis but as we know the human mind is very complex. It appears that I suffer from PTSD and perhaps "absence siezures" along with bipolar disorder/ mostly depressed. But my "case" has been very complex and in the face of complexity more than a few mental health professionals have written me off. It has been a struggle to get the help I have needed. The on and off nature of my symptoms have been very frustrating for those who have cared for me as well as for me. When well, I am very high functioning and can be very well with the right support system. Even when seriously ill which is seldom the case, I seem able to "present well". If anything I get more detached and say little to help myself. This has worked against me in many ways. What prompted me to write this was my great recent response to Lamictal. It seems when I am well that I am more aware at how unwell I have been and just how much it has been a struggle. And the grief of having lost my dreams and opportunities in life comes to the surface hurts as I approach fifty. My pain and suffering becomes more visible. But the opposite of happy is not sad but the nothingness that many with mental health issues have felt at the core for most of life. There are many like me who get adept at acting and can walk through life going relatively unnoticed especially in a culture where often our attention is on electronic devices rather than human beings. We live in a place and time that many are too rushed to really see people around us. More and more, less people even know the names of their neighbor and more and more many see no problem with that trend. Many people who suffer with "mental illnesses" by nature are even further isolated and without the ability to connect and much less in a fast paced world. But on Lamictal the electrical currents that rush my mind are slowed now to where I can take a more accurate inventory of the human condition and the course of my struggles. I also will try hard to connect the experience of having PTSD and bipolar in a more real and personal way. Because I am articulate in writing, I sometimes begin to feel that I write on behalf of all those people who suffer inwardly and silently with these conditions without those in positions to help even noticing them. I've had people while I am "spaced-out" yell in my ear "wake-up". There are some very cruel and ignorant people in the world, but there are some very good people and we must not get too cynical or bitter if we are to live well. The raving manic gets the attention while the quiet and polite dissociated or depressed person seldom gets noticed at best and easily dismissed at worse. I heard once that "all obnoxious behavior is a result of pain" and I have taken that with me into the classroom as a teacher. This has enabled me to not respond by taking obnoxious behavior personally but rather seeing the misbehaving student as a kid a pain. This has allowed me to respond calmly and to diffuse many situations. This is not to say that there is not a place for being strict and to discipline. In my case, I have, on occasion, acted in embarrassing even hurtful ways while slamming on the bars of my mental prison walls. I must live with that. As I am on about day 28 with lamictal, I am one of the lucky ones who can get glimpses of feeling whole. Some people sadly never get a reprieve as there is no medication that helps. Please give all people who seek treatment the benefit of the doubt. It is very hard to measure another person's pain. And how a sufferer responds to it can lead people to misunderstand their conditions completely and even resent the patient. Both caregiver and "client" are human and we must not lose sight of that. Ironically, it has been when I feel the best that people have treated me as a person in need of help or at least "deserving" of it. I did not intend to go in this direction at the outset of this writing, but I feel that I am now writing to the families and caregivers of those people who are suffering from afflictions of the mind, spirit, and soul. The term "enabler" is one that can give an excuse to the one who is tired of dealing with a person who needs your help. There may be people who need a kick in the ass, but it's a big risk when you start kicking the person who is really in need of help and extra patience. As a true hero will reluctantly speak of his experiences, many courageous people who battle terrible symptoms will be slow to speak of them. Sometimes even the closest to them will not know the depths of their suffering; they may only report that so and so is pensive, aloof, or needs to be alone a lot. They may know about the time a person binge drinks and the observer may talk so readily of that because that is all that the particular observer can relate to or they may tell how humorous a given person is or even how intelligent they are. The fireman who is seen playing cards and laughing at the station is not seen as they wade through the smoke and risk their lives. Every case is unique and some need that zyprexa forever and some need to battle against taking it. Every trauma survivor must do their surviving alone in the end and in their own way. We can walk with them but the battlefield is within their minds and we can be there when they awake trembling in terror but we cannot sleep in their minds. I currently have no urge to drink alcohol but sometimes when I am in the worst places I have fallen into that rut. These days people around me, as I am doing well so far on this med will be anxious to give me credit for not drinking a beer, but the thought of having one is not there. In effect, I am getting positive feedback for something that is of no consequence to me. Similarly, I have been treated as a useless being for drinking a six pack when I have needed something to calm a mind and have tried everything from running miles both day and night to all the meds that leave me zombied or physically sick and still without being able to sleep for even a few hours without terror. It is not easy for someone who has fallen in that more normal range who has lived responsible lives with self-disciplined habits to see another's plight other than seeing the other as just needing more will power or a kick in the ass. As they say the ones who are the least lovable, need the love the most and so it goes with many of those being treated for PTSD or other mental disorders. I guess the work in the mental health field is more that of an artist. To love creatively in a way that maximizes a humans healthy resources to survive and hopefully thrive. This may include this overused concept of "tough love" but it always involves this undervalued concept patience/kindness and if you have none I suggest that you leave the classroom or the field of mental health. I had been on this med about 8 years ago and had done very well for months before developing a rash with severe swelling and I took myself off it. another problem with me and I suspect others, is that i tend to want to be my own doctor and I do not listen all the time. But then again, this is in a way a trait of a survivor. i also believe that if i had done what they may have wanted in 1989 and stayed on stelazine forever that i would have been worse off. I'd probably have body ailments in the major organs by now and be in a cloud out of forever this orbit. also it is very hard for medical personel to understand the subjective experience of certain meds. although i could think well and finish a masters degree and pass all tests for a teaching credential in PA, I was so detached from feeling that my life was not worth much to me. I did not even know who I was. Unfortunately i was unable to communicate this enough and was even unaware of the condition myself and/or in denial. In our culture we tend to judge people's lives on achievements and furthermore those people in the mental health system, on how well they do in not being problematic for the system and their families. This attitude will sometimes leave a person on zyprexa (just an example some people do very well on zyprexa and thrive in life) in a fog that bothers no one in a state that robs them of a chance at a real life for many years. For anyone reading this who has problems with dissociation/depersonalization/ or "petit mal" siezures also knbown as "absence siezures" please think about trying Lamictal. I also decided to write on this board because I feel more connected to a self now and not in some grandiose manic way where I can't sleep for days, but in a rational way that leaves me in grief of a life unlived but also in a grateful state for all the people who have supported me over the years. The nurse who sat at the bottom of my bed at beverly hills medical center for several days when i was in a coma state. The people who helped me save my dignity at the excelsior house and the jump street. Many times people who have no family or friends near-by have no one to tell their stories and many workers who are calloused for many legitimate reasons can dismiss people as just being lazy, irresponsible or drug addicted, but for every few of them there are always those few that emerge to have patience and to treat you with dignity. these people are the real healers. They see past the false ego that hides the hurt of being ill. and they know that people present in confusing ways and they reserve judgement and give healing love. In my case it would take a year before I could have any sense of self after the excelsior house, but I remember everything that happened and those people who were there for me. I went on to be a successful teacher although I struggled with relapses. With Lamictal I feel that I may be able to make another go of it. Peace! J.