Why is the Mother/Daughter Relationship So Complex?
Mothers and daughters have some of the most complex relationships you’ll ever witness. They can be best friends one day and mortal enemies the next --- and it isn’t always teenage hormones causing the tension between the two. Many mothers and daughters have tense relationships well into and throughout the daughter's adulthood, teetering like a seesaw until things finally come to a head with a major, possibly relationship-ending blowout; but it doesn’t need to be this way.
Mothers can be notoriously critical, especially of their daughters. Daughters become resentful, feeling like they never live up to their mom’s expectations; or it may be a subconscious tension created when mother and daughter are constantly vying for husband/dad’s attention. No matter what the cause of the strain, the complex mother/daughter relationship can be saved.
Differences of Opinion, Old Arguments, and a Lack of Communication Cause Strain in Mother/Daughter Relationships
The Critical Mother
Mothers spend a great deal of time thinking of ways to protect their children. They want their younger children to be physically and emotionally safe, but as they grow older they sometimes start to project their own fears and perceptions onto their daughters. As a little girl grows into a teen, many mothers fear their daughters will make the same mistakes they did. Their uncensored need to offer unsolicited advice comes off as just that --- unsolicited criticism. Essentially, just as a daughter is starting to seek out more independence, the mother may begin setting more limits based on her own experience, fears and mistakes.
Young girls typically do look up to their mothers; so much so, in fact, they often have trouble creating their own identities. They look to the things mom used to do and the causes mom used to support and they attempt to follow in her footsteps. At some point the switch flips and the daughter no longer wants to participate in certain activities or reach for specific goals just to make mom happy --- even if she at one point truly enjoyed them. She will then battle with the realization that she isn’t sure how to express her own individual sense of self.
A lot of mother/daughter relationships experience strain because there are two women competing for the same man --- the mother’s husband and the daughter’s father, one and the same person. As tension between a mother and daughter builds, the daughter will often turn to her father for support. The mother, in turn, feels as though the father is taking sides or interfering with her wishes; even when he is not actually doing anything but offering what the daughter is really looking for --- acceptance, a feeling of safety and some encouraging words.
Can a Strained Mother/Daughter Relationship Be Fixed?
Yes, in most cases; and the sooner the better. There are always exceptions to the rule; for example, if the mother or daughter has an underlying mental illness or if there has been some sort of physical or emotional trauma. These things can be difficult to overcome, even with professional therapy or counseling.
Someone has to be willing to take the first step in changing the relationship. Both women are ultimately responsible for their actions and should reflect on how their actions are impacting the relationship. Even small changes on the part of both women can diffuse some of the tension and allow the emotional wounds to heal.
Communication is critical to healing these unique relationships. It’s important for mothers to learn to actively listen without always offering unsolicited advice; instead asking active questions, listening to the responses and offering words of encouragement. The daughter, no matter what her age, also needs to learn to listen and communicate more clearly. She needs to recognize that not everything that comes out mom’s mouth is coming from a place of judgment; rather sometimes from a place of experience. Each should put herself in the other’s shoes and try to imagine life from her perspective.
No matter what the cause of the relationship’s tension, mom and daughter both need to work on forgiveness. A lot of people struggle with forgiveness because they think it means they condone or accept a person’s past actions. Forgiving a person for their actions does not mean completely forgetting what happened and ignoring the impact the event or situation had on your life. It means finding a healthy place, a common ground where you can move forward. The past is allowed to be a part of your history, but it doesn’t have to be a part of your future.
Sometimes it’s as simple as agreeing to disagree. In other cases, it’s about setting better boundaries for communication and interaction. The complicated relationship between a mother and daughter isn’t going to change overnight, but it is rooted in love and can be fixed over time. The process can be tough, but it will be worth the effort. And many times, it's actually not as rough as you might expect, especially if both parties are ready for change.
~ Here’s to Your Health and Wellness
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