What to Do When Someone You Love Has Cancer

When cancer strikes someone close, many of us feel unsure about the best way to approach the person or what to say. They, too, may have a hard time approaching the subject. Offering support without minimizing or judging the person’s experience, allowing them to set the pace and subject matter are great strategies. Be encouraging without belittling and see what can be done to help out with meals or housework. Don’t forget to offer help to any caregivers, if there is one — and if that caregiver is you, make sure to take time for self-care. If it seems like a lot, it is. But we've compiled some specific ideas to help make it easier.

The Effects of Cancer

People with cancer generally feel unwell, even before they begin treatment. Symptoms can vary depending on the type of cancer and treatments, but changes in appetite, digestion and energy levels are common. Treatment can make the person feel infinitely worse, with flu-like symptoms, extreme fatigue and nausea making daily life painful and exhausting.

If we start with compassion, we can work hard to understand that the loved one is doing the best they can, and if they cancel plans or become unavailable for a while, it’s likely because they aren’t feeling well. We can choose not to take it personally, keep the channels of communication open, and be sure to leave the pace up to them. We can show up and offer love and support, even if it means sitting on the couch and watching TV together.

Accepting Roles

Our role is to be whatever our loved one needs at the moment. Chances are, they’re feeling scared and uncertain about the future, and regardless of whether they want to talk about it, they need support. That feels wide open, though.

And what about our own feelings on the matter? It's super important that we deal with our own negative thoughts and feelings in our own time. When with our loved one, we need to make that time about them and what they need. Though it's okay to tell them we're scared, or worried. Most people are glad to know others care and are worried. But keep it to a minimum so the person isn't made to feel like a burden. We can and should seek counseling if our own feelings are overwhelming. Helping ourselves gives us more room to help others and our loved one needs us at our emotional best at this time.

Spend Time

The time spent together may feel awkward, but don’t let that keep you away. If you’re unsure of how to bring something up, leave it to your loved one and stick to small talk and happy stories to keep the conversation flowing. Cancer Care Center recommends you don’t pry for details that might make the person uncomfortable. But instead, focus on being together and laughing.

Here are some other things we should and shouldn’t do:

• Don’t minimize. Try to be understanding about how they feel, both physically and mentally. Keep in mind that we don’t know they’re going to get through this, so don’t say that. Let them express their thoughts and fears. Use neutral responses like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” and “I’m here for you.”
• Do offer encouragement. Let your loved one know you believe in them, and try to offer positive ideas and stories without slipping into minimizing.
• Don’t mention their appearance. They may or may not look so great for their condition, but pointing it out will only make them feel self-conscious and may make them upset.
• Do show how much you care. Actions speak louder than words, so get moving. Bring meals, help out with housework, go with them to their treatments or find other meaningful acts that will make your loved one’s life a little easier.
• Don’t judge. Your loved one is in a fight for their life, and whatever they’re feeling about it or however they’re dealing with it is valid. Don’t condemn treatment options or tell the person how to feel. You’re not walking in their shoes right then, and even if you have, they're different shoes.

When it all comes down to it, this person needs us to be there for them. They need love, support, patience and strength.

Where Else Can We Help

For those not sure how they can help, ask. The loved one might be holding back, fearful of becoming burdensome, and an open door might be what they need to express themselves.

If there is a caregiver, see about extending invitations to them as well. Caregivers can become overwhelmed and burned out, and an offer to lighten a loved one’s load might be just what they need to engage in their own self-care.

If you’re the caregiver, make sure to take time for yourself. You’re no good to anyone if you’re not giving yourself the opportunity to recharge and fill that empty well.

Respect Boundaries

Be sure to respect boundaries when offering help to a loved one. Everyone copes with illness in their own way. We might want to do all we can to help out, but our loved one may also want to maintain some sense of independence for as long as they can. Allow them the room to express what they want or need help with. If the loved one doesn’t want to accept help, don’t push them. Instead, take a step back and wait for them to speak up.

Helping a loved one navigate their struggles can take careful consideration and a lot of compassion. Be the best support possible, but also allow them to determine the pace and direction of any interactions. Best-case scenario, you both survive this — with a healthy relationship that feels good for both parties.

Copyright 2019, Wellness.com