Be a 21st Century Superwoman: Get Past the ‘Shoulds’ to Promote Authenticity

“You should lose weight.”

“You should always be considerate of others.”

“You should be okay with a smaller salary after all your husband has a good job.”

“You should be passive.”

“You should be home taking care of your children.”

And the list goes on. I have heard or felt all of these ‘should’ messages repeatedly throughout my life. Many are stuck in my psyche as if they have barbed hooks. Despite repeated efforts to ply them loose, they continually shape how I perceive and respond to the world. What ‘should’ messages influence your daily life and get in the way of feeling like a 21^st century superwoman?

Many “should” messages reveal the unfair and unrealistic pressures we women face. To know we should do something can promote healthy change. For example, I ate a lunch of fruit and yogurt instead of French fries and ice cream, because of a “should” rattling around in my brain. However, a constant barrage of external pressures to live, act, and think in certain ways is more likely to diminish self-esteem rather than inspire growth.

“Should” messages can get in the way of authentic living. Worry about meeting other people’s expectations pulls us away from who we really want to be. Authenticity includes living in ways that reflect important beliefs, values, and virtues. It does not mean revealing every vulnerability, hope, or belief to the world. Only trusted, safe people earn the right to see our inner world. Here are some strategies to get beyond “should” messages to radiate who we feel called to be.

1. Identify important values, virtues, and purpose. While leading in patriarchal organizations, I often felt pressure to be more like men. I have learned important lessons from people who think differently, but also discovered authentic living is more sustainable. Trying to be what everyone else wants us to be is exhausting. Lifestyles based on personal beliefs and values bring out the best in us. What is important to you? If family, friends, and colleagues hold a party to celebrate you, what would you want them to say? Clarification of important beliefs, values, and virtues helps us proactively respond to pressures in ways we feel good about. Our self-image is then based more on core values rather than what we think other people want.
2. Name unfair expectations. List the pressures you experience from family, others, society, and yourself. Be honest. Some of the most merciless “should” messages come from ourselves. As a perfectionist who likes to please others, I know how easy it is to respond harshly towards myself when someone is unkind or if I make a mistake. My list of unfair expectations includes “I need to be perfect” and “I should please everyone all of the time.” What are some of the unfair “should” messages on your list?
3. Let go of unfair “should” pressures. After examining your list, come up with a creative way to symbolize letting go of expectations that get in the way of authentic living. Write “should” messages on a piece of paper, crumple it, and toss it in the garbage. Or throw a rock into the lake while saying “I am letting go of…” Repeatedly let go whenever you feel controlled by unfair expectations.  
4. Develop positive statements to counter negative thoughts. “I am so much more than how I look” and “I bring goodness into the world” are more helpful than “I’m not good enough.” Kindness to ourselves inspires healthy change and provides courage to counter the negativity of many “should” messages.
5. Support other women. Let’s help each other get past unfair expectations to shine with the intelligence, talent, wisdom, and other gifts we have to share. We can encourage and celebrate each other rather feel threatened by someone else’s success. I can be authentic while honoring you. Together we can succeed.    

Imagine a world where women radiate what is important rather than get pulled around by unfair expectations. We pick helpful “should” messages to learn from. We let go of unfair pressures that diminish who we are. As 21^st century superwomen, we can create a better world for the children who are watching and learning how to live authentically in a world full of “should.”   

 This article contains excerpts from Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others published by Whole Person Associates.

Karen Schuder, EdD, MDiv, MAM, speaker and best-selling author, has extensive experience promoting resilience and role sustainability. Years of helping people during traumatic times, leading organizations, and working globally inform her work with people in personal and professional helping roles. Karen offers life-changing concepts and practical strategies with an enjoyable, interactive approach. Check out Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others. Learn more about how to foster a purpose driven culture characterized by resilience, positivity, and decreased anxiety at www.karenschuder.com.