Helping Someone With Addiction Or Recovery? This is the Key

Everyone has their own stance on drugs and alcohol. No matter where you draw the line, there is a difference between recreational use and abuse. When someone you love is struggling with abuse, addiction, or recovery, it’s easy to lose sight of yourself and your needs. However, it’s vital that you take care of your own physical and mental health in these situations. No matter how much you care about someone, the fact of the matter is that you can’t be of any help to them if you are not in command of yourself. Self-care isn’t only YOUR biggest asset, it is also the best thing you can do for a loved one struggling with substance abuse.

There is a plethora of advice out there for handling these types of situations. A lot of it states pretty simply, "Be there for them unless they screw up, then axe them from your life entirely because they are toxic." But, if you’ve ever watched a loved one go through this you know it’s not that easy. The heart wrenching emotions are enough to drive anyone mad and there may come a point where you have to walk away, but that shouldn’t be the first instance of putting yourself first. No matter what route you take you should always be your number one priority.

The first thing you need to do is establish an expectation of communication on both ends. It’s important to keep an open dialogue going at all times. Open lines of communication allow both parties to know what’s going on, which is the best way for everyone to stay comfortable in such an innately uncomfortable situation. It will help you be aware of what is going on so you can understand when and how to offer help, and it will help your loved one establish (or rebuild broken) trust.

Once the communication expectation is set you should then set boundaries. Be firm, clear, and concise. No matter what your boundaries are ("Don’t bring that stuff into my house, don’t ask me for more money, don’t ignore me if you relapse") make sure there is no question as to where you draw the line.

It’s okay to say, “I’m still here for you, but…” It’s crucial to let them know that if they don’t respect your boundaries trust will be lost. I can’t overstress how important it is to make sure they know exactly where the line is, and exactly what the consequences for crossing it are.

You shouldn’t feel guilty for doing this. However, I can say, from personal experience, that you probably will. It’s very easy for guilt to drag us back down into the depths of doormat land; the guiltier we feel, the easier it is for others to walk all over us. The more remorse you hold the harder it is for you to say no. The most important aspect of self-care is never making any commitment based on guilt, so the best thing you can do is talk about these feelings, preferably to an impartial third party.

If you can afford a counselor now is the time that you need one. If you can’t, seek out community resources or a trusted friend who does not know the addict well. There will always be a support group or a sympathetic ear to fall back on. If you keep your guilt inside of your own mind, you’ll almost always be able to rationalize it. Laying it out for someone else to see will allow you to gain perspective, and ultimately come to terms with how irrational it is to place someone else’s wellbeing above your own, especially when they’re in the throes of an addiction or a recovery effort that is likely to keep them from being there for you in return.

This can be a stressful and messy process. Whether your loved one is still spiraling down, or rising from the ashes and attempting recovery, there are bound to be multiple sore spots in your relationship. Consistent communication and adherence to boundary expectations are the best way to keep things from getting out of hand.

If communication is broken or lines are crossed, you may hit a point where you need to walk away. It’s okay. It’s okay to walk away. You don’t owe anyone anything. It doesn’t matter whether they’re family, a spouse, or even a child. You can only do so much, and you have to take care of yourself first. The only way to maintain self-care is to strictly enforce it for yourself, so leave if you have to. Even if it hurts (it will always hurt).

If you reach this point your guilt will bloom tenfold. It will be there, no matter how hard you try to fight it. It simply means that you are human. For me personally, the best way to ease my guilt was to let the person know that I would be there in case they ever wanted a change. “I can’t be a part of your life any more. But, if you ever get sick of it--of the way things are, of the people you’re surrounded by, of the person you’ve become--I will be here for you. I will. Please don’t think that my current distance from you means that you can’t turn to me for help should you decide to go down that path.” These words hold so much power for you and for your loved one. If that’s all that you have left place it on the table and say goodbye.

A good friend once told me that the most compassionate thing you could do for an addict is to axe them and their influence from your life, because anything else is just enabling them. I don’t personally feel that it is this absolute, but I can tell you that he was right about one thing: sometimes walking away is an act of compassion, an act of love. It’s hard to believe when you’re the one leaving. But I have something to tell you, because I have been on both sides of this fence.

I have been walked away from. By my friends, my family, my very own father. I was left to my own devices at a time when I thought I needed people the most. I could have very well been homeless, hungry, left somewhere in a ditch to die for all any of them knew. It was harsh. I felt abandoned, cold and bitter, but it’s because of their actions that I became the person I am today.

I am so very grateful to them. They threw their hands up in the air and refused to give me any more of themselves. They refused to let me get away with being the awful person they knew I wasn’t. They left because they knew I could be better, and they were right.

I could be better, I did be better, and I am better. And they are all here to see it, likely due to the fact that they turned away when I was something and someone else. So trust me when I say that it’s okay. It’s okay to try, it’s okay to give. It’s okay to give in, and it’s okay to fail. And it is absolutely okay to walk away. I  wish you luck, and I encourage you to share your thoughts, ideas, tips, and stories in the comments.

“You don’t need to help people stay helpless.”