Is Your Child Sleep Deprived?

I don't know about children but kids certainly deprive my sleep.

Tina, thanks for that comment. That sheds a clearer light on it for me. I can see how easily I get ramped up when "given advice" as opposed to learning through impersonal examples the way you put it. I will work on not getting ramped up in the future! Thanks for everyone's patience with me! Along these lines, I can see many times looking back how much better my kids respond to me when I've made enough one-on-one time with them doing things they enjoy. Thanks for everyone's feedback and thoughts.

Reading between the lines in these messages, I'm getting the picture that our children will only want to please us and comply with our rules if we make an equal or greater investment in the parent/child relationship first. That makes sense to me.

I just looked up non-violent communication: <url removed>. I watched the short videos and was impressed with Mr. Rosenberg's communication strategies. I tried to buy the book locally but they didn't have it. I'll order it on the author's site so I can speak from experience about it. From what I've already read, it would seem that it is more important to seek and demonstrate an understanding of the person you're communicating with than rushing to tell him/her what is wrong with them or how your ideas will help them. I am not seeing this spirit of understanding in any of your posts. Luna

Amy, great job tearing the previous poster apart. You really did a number on him. I'm sure he's rushing out to get the book. Are your posts a good example of non-violent communications? Would the author of the book you recommended feel that you are representing him well in your debate? I found your message came across with impressively confrontational qualities. Maybe the next time you feel like ripping someone apart to make your point, you could promote some non violent communication qualities in your own message. Hailey

John-\n \n"Respectfully?" Hardly. If you think you would have eaten a non-violent communicator alive then you probably do not understand the psychology of how it works. It's not about kissing your child's ass, letting them walk all over you, or being "nicey nicey." Read the book, educate yourself on the process, and then you're qualified to make comments. The author of NVC has resolved conflicts between totally irrational warring tribes in Africa and the Middle East who have been killing each other for generations. It's worked for decades. It's quite proven.\n \nIt's not about controlling. It's about communicating more effectively. Based on your tone in your post, at least on this one occasion, you have not done a great job of communicating. An angry tone is coming through. It appears you're not even qualified at the level that Dr. Markham, a professional child psychologist, to comment with authority about such matters.\n \nYour opinion is interesting, but in my opinion you're commenting on a style of communication you know nothing about. You think it's some hippy lovey dovey thing, but it's clear from your writing that haven't read the book.\n \nAmy

These blogs can be entertaining for this very reason! Sorry about the attitude, just trying to spark a spirited discussion. I don't get mad... and I can't be offended easily, don't worry. Just seeking best practices. Thanks for sharing. OK, you are entirely correct that I am not qualified to comment on the book (not because of a lack of PhD), I haven't read it or been enlightend to the concepts yet. I am only qualified to discuss parenting my own children and other things I enjoy. I really was just venting (rudely I apologise) in general about the rash of advice I seemed to be getting after sharing my experience with the mobile phone. Hmmm... all things considered, I can use my teen's desire to retain his mobile phone access (and positive self-directed encouragement) to help his busy brain kick in-gear TONIGHT since I won't be able to use the concepts in the book until I've read it. And "yes" thanks for asking, I have an amazing relationship with all of my children I'm very proud of, but I'm sure there is room for improvement there too. And in my opinion, strong personality types like my daughter (and easily distracted teens like my son) can respond well to fair and balanced consquences also. If you can come up with one better than the mobile phone, let me know. Good luck

John-
\nI certainly didn't intend any disrespect. You asked for other ideas on influencing your son toward more self-directed healthy behaviors. I suggested that a closer relationship always gives you more influence. \n\nIt sounds like you believe that you already have a strong relationship with your son. Is that right? \nLaura\n

Respectfully, I know all of your hearts are in the right places, and I've met too many disrespectful children this decade parented by great communicators with great parent/child relationships. And, to even suggest that my foremost strategies to encourage self-directed healthy behaviors were anything less than great non-violent communication reinforced by a strong relationship---might be disrespectful on your parts. Each personality type responds to issues with different strategies, doesn't it? As a child, I might have eaten a non-violent communicator alive and not responded well to that form of communication. Today, I enjoy a beautiful 6 year old daughter who reminds me of this ability every day. If I would have had a mobile phone (signed for by a parent) at that age, it is possible that my parents could have been more effective at encouraging more sleep when I needed it the most. I already know you care about your children, I do too. Sometimes it helps to have tools for creating additional perspective, respect, and basic compliance when other things are not working.

John-\n

\nI hear your caring, and I know that limiting junk food and promoting physical activity both required some real work on your part.\n

\nYou say that you've struggled to find ways to influence your 15 year old. I appreciate your victory in figuring out the cell phone approach; it does seem like the only way to reach many teens is to affect their ability to communicate with each other.\n

\nI'd like to suggest, though, that the most powerful way to influence your teen is to have a great relationship with him. You may think your relationship with your son is fine, but my professional experience is that when it gets hard to influence our kids, our relationship with them always needs strengthening. \n

\nThis may seem hard now that he's 15 and always busy with his friends, but teens in surveys always say that they wish they could spend more time with their parents, be closer to their parents, and talk with them more. They also say their parents are a bigger influence on them in every way than their friends. \n

\nMaybe you could take your son out for lunch (a walk? kicking a soccer ball?) and tell him that you love him very much and want to be closer to him, to talk more, spend more time together. Ask him for ideas of what you could do together every week, and suggest some of your own. \n

\nThen, in addition to these scheduled times, make sure that you take time to connect with him daily, every morning before school and every night. (My website has lots of suggestions for talking with your kids at <url removed>

\nI would even suggest a special father-son trip together on vacation. How about a canoe trip? A bike trip? A camping trip? Teenage boys need their dads as mentors to discuss everything from how to cherish women to what to do with your life. And even if you much of the time talking baseball, you'll find that after returning from such a trip, your son is much more available to your influence.\n

\nFinally, I want to pick up on Amy's suggestion, above. Teens especially need us to use relationship aikido, which means side-stepping power struggles. The days of being able to impose any kind of consequence on your son are fast drawing to a close. We can't just tell teens what to do and get cooperation. The book I suggested in my post to Amy above is a great way to begin practicing with respectful communication. It isn't just a more considerate, civil way to relate to kids. It's actually the most effective way to get their cooperation!\n

\nThis will take some real determination, patience and sensitivity on your part. But what could be more important? \nI wish you luck and would love to hear how things go.\n

\n-- Laura